Which Mad Men Guy’s Penis Are You Most Like?

If you’re like me, and you should be, you probably don’t do much introspection until a content aggregator makes you take a multiple choice quiz of some kind based on pop culture penises. Well then you are in luck! Because what follows is a rundown of the characteristics of the genitals of some fictional teevee characters from the HBO Hit Series “Mad Man” (Wednsedays at 5PM). Ask yourself: Do any of these rods resonate? Which “Mad Men Member” mirrors you?

Are you a Don Dong? A Roger Dog? A Peter Peter? A Bert Mini-Cooper? Read this rundown to find out!

Don’s dong is large, in charge, & intoxicating. It can be a little logy at times, what with all the boozin’ & the coozin, but it is always heavy & horny, even if he’s gotta sleeping bag that sodden sucker into the hole. Don’s love-log is mysterious, two-faced. Some days it is firm & smooth, other days it can appear lumpy & lethargic. You never know which Don dong will dawn! Dick Whitman’s dick, on the other hand, is a whole nother story. Some other time. Maybe season 7?
Length: 7.2″. Circumference: 4.5″
Cum notes: Hints of peat, nicotine, mulberry, self-righteousness

Roger’s tadger is lithe, limber & lively. It took a couple hits heart & wallet-wise in the first few seasons, but flash a lil gingey mingey under its proverbial nose & it will be raring to go. Roger is the consummate coozehound, a real sleazy Sylvester. His dick is a bit narrow but with a well-tapered head for smooth, liquid lovemaking. But be careful: Sometimes it can be a bit of an immature dick.
Length: 6.2″. Circumference: 3.2″
Cum notes: Juniper, peppermint, dress socks, ennui

Pete Campbell’s peter is a small but feisty li’l pecker. Short & thin but stiff as a pin, Peter’s pecker seems wormy & slimy but it’s all business between the sheets, even when totally whiteboy wasted. Just like Pete himself, it’s a dirty awful rude fucker & can get whiny, entitled & irritating. You can go ahead & blow it off with a rifle, I don’t mind.
Length: 5.3″. Circumference: 2.9″
Cum notes: puce, anise, marzipan, White Whine

Bert Cooper’s pooper scooper is super dooper! Not really though. When flaccid, it’s a little stumpy mushroom, only the tip visible in his belly fat, amidst a scraggly forest of iron grey pubes. But get him excited with passages from Ayn Rand or Sun Tzu and out creeps a real gnarly chode. Gross, weird, & smelly, Bert’s mini-Cooper has probably not been used in decades for anything but the odd yank-off to a particularly stimulating concerto or sculpture of his mother’s vulva.
Length: 4.2″. Circumference: 4.4″
Cum notes: dust, crickets, tumbleweeds, Objectivism

Not finding yourself here? Write your own!

Ken Cosgrove? The smug TV guy with the glasses? The dead english bloke? teddy Choughaugh? Peggy, Joan, (you can talk abotu Vaginaes or boobs or hypothetical dicks idc)? I’m tired. Fuck this article & this show. Now I’m MAD, man!


Le Duc Violet is an effete French fop from Flanders. He loves rods, sceptres, staves, staffs, poles, pikes, halberds, guisarmes, flyswatters, piccolos, garden hoses, smooth-barked trees, & penises. He writes for Forbes, Maxim. (Maxim Forbes is the name of his diary.) He is obsessed with poop but only because it looks like a weenus.